something that disgusts me

somethings that disgusts me are shows like entertainment tonight or access hollywood informing the world the cost of earrings jennifer aniston wore on the red carpet, or that sharon ozborne's dog has an eating disorder, or that tom cruise gave steven spielberg a rare & crazy-expensive motorcycle for his birthday. who gives a care (remember saying that in junior high?)? how is any of this information going to better, strengthen, or encourage another human being? and you know what disgusts me even more? 95% of the time, if it's on...i watch it.

too close to home

[i wrote this yesterday] my heart is pretty heavy right now. i am just sad. i am sure everyone has heard of the tragedy of the comair flight yesterday morning. the wife of the "honeymoon couple" was a 2004 centre graduate. one of the students here told me today that they were sorority sisters. i didn't know the couple personally; however, i knew bart. husband. father of three. i had just recently put his number in our cell phone. we had had a couple of lengthy conversations at church this summer. he was embarking on a new future for himself and his family. they were going to move to peachtree city, georgia. bart, his wife, and i struck up a wonderful conversation several weeks ago about georgia. we were planning to get together to have dinner, and david and i were going to share about "life in georgia." with david having been raised in a town close to peachtree city, we thought that sharing about our lives would be great for them. bart stopped me in the hall at church a couple of weeks ago to tell me that they had found a house and that it was a "total god thing." he was excited for the future that laid before him and his family.

david woke me up to the news yesterday morning, and my immediate thought was, "would i know anyone on that flight?" i racked my brain, but could think of no one. i was processing the fear that david could have very easily been on that flight. he has taken that flight before to atlanta. when we arrived at church, we saw a friend in the parking lot being held and knew something was wrong. as we approached we could hear the cries of her heart. sitting down on the curb to gain her composure, she was trying to grasp the horror of reality. an elderly man approached us, and we were told, "we have some tradgic news. bart, one of the deacons in our church, was on the plane this morning that crashed." needless to say, our time at church was somber. our pastor was at a loss for words. we were all in shock. my heart grieves for kyra and the kids. her husband is gone. their dad is gone. so many questions. not enough answers. where is the hope? i ask the question "why?" i don't have answers. to make my heart question even more...bart was scheduled to fly out saturday evening, but his flight got cancelled. the next available flight...flight 5191. it's hard to believe he's gone. it's just hard to grasp it all. there are so many "what if's", "if only's", "how come's." so many that i can only cling to jesus right now knowing that he knows. i don't. i have to trust him. i don't know what else to do.

life of pi

i recently finished reading life of pi and bookmarked several quotes. this one in particular stood out to me: for evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. the main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of each heart. duuuurn.
so true.

purpose behind all this

a friend recently posted on his blog an entry titled "blogging funk." this birthed a conversation between david and me about the whole concept behind blogging. david has always struggled with his purpose behind it, and can't seem to "get into it." he makes intuitive arguments about the whole concept of purpose and desiring a reason to blog. i, on the other hand, seem to blog about "whatever" and enjoy doing it. but over the past few days of pondering and really searching my heart, i have found myself asking, "why do i blog?"

sometimes i feel like blogs can be a brag book for people to write about areas in their lives. they can create a verbal picture and create an illusion that things are great. i know people out there second guess their choice of words, how they are going to type something, how they can squeeze in extra details that really are not necessary. i do it. i admit it. and it really, really bothers me that i do it. especially when i read other people's blogs and accuse them of doing it as well. just as i point the finger at someone, i have three fingers pointing back at me. i do find some blogs that i read to be pretty shallow in content, yet light-heart...an easy read...which is great when you don't want to use your brain. there are blogs specifically to create community, blogs that document a child's life, blogs that network homeschooling moms, blogs that share pics of their kids for grandparents and family to view from far distances, blogs that read like poetry, or blogs that are confessionals where people are truly transparent.

with this last blog topic....that since of authenticity attracts me. when people are honest...it's an incredible gift. my husband recently posted on his blog a perfect example of what i am talking about. david is an incredibly gifted writer, and his post will penetrate your heart. go check it out. after i read it, i was like, "this is it. this is what blogging is about. (and wishing i could write like that)." or i should say, "this is how i want to blog (other people have other purposes as i mentioned above)."

so my desire is to blog about stuff that is of importance. i don't want to post to say look at me, look at me. i often worry about if i come across as "look at what we have or look at what we get to experience." i actually ran into this whole blogging dilemma when i first started this in 2004. i had posted several entries, but stopped because i felt like i was posting for other people's expectations. i picked it back up a year later only because i felt guilty for not keeping it up after being harassed by one of my youth group kids. i didn't know who my audience was or really is. since my blog is linked to my notecards site, i haven't a clue as to who drops by and reads. i know that my former students/youth group kids read it (all ages of life). i feel like my audience is so broad that i shy away from being totally who i am. i post about things that are safe, non-offensive, and age-appropriate. i sometimes struggle with that because i want to be authentic. but at the same time, i don't want to offend.

david and i both agree that when you've joined the blogging world, there is almost this unspoken expectation to consistently write because that is what is expected from you. maybe i am not complying with the blogger rules. if i want people to read my blog, then i should probably produce work consistently; however, i don't want to blog just because i haven't posted in almost three weeks. i want a reason or an event to blog about. i am sure people get frustrated with that due to wanting to read recent posts. i don't like those expectations on me. i am not going to blog just to appease someone's desire to read new material. if people get frustrated with the lack of posts, then they more than likely won't come back to visit. i guess i say that because the only blog that i view consistently is carlos's because i know that he blogs everyday and most days, he'll post more than once. i go there because i know other people go there. it's almost like going to be a part of a crowd (hence his ability to create community via his blog) . going where others are. however, i rarely speak. i think i have only left a couple of comments at his site. but i still like going because carlos makes me laugh, and he is real.

ahhh!!! (yell out loud) i am so analytical. i think too much. all this to say...i am going to experiment with the content of future posts. i know people have left comments that they like to read to stay connected or to catch up on our comings and goings. i still want to post about those things, but i also want to steer in a direction of authenticity. i have read endless comments from people who thank a person for being real and sharing their heart in their blogs. i see that desire for people to be real with each other. being authentic in one's blog allows for a reader to feel validated, relief, compassion, empathy, sympathy... i guess what i am saying is that blogging can create an illusion that we're all content, sharing happy, funny stories, showing pics of new "stuff" that we collect, etc...when deep inside we're all really hurting. blogging is a place where we can very easily not be authentic. it's just as easy to say "i've got it all together and life is great" as it is to be aunthentic and say "you know...i've had a really shitty day." but how many people want to be vulnerable and admit that they've had a shitty day or that they are struggling with real, raw life issues?

so here's to authenticity and hopefully to future posts that will be meaty and cause one to walk away with some things to think about.

payne and lemmings...i am so PUMPED that y'all have tripped across my blog...WOW...so fun to hear from you both...sorry i haven't responded to your comments. jp, you had me on the ear piece thing...for a second. :o) i am looking forward to walking this blogging journey with you each.

been outta pocket

i recently left my job within the alumni office, and now work in the admissions office. it was a difficult decision, but was humbled by admission's desire to hire me. things are pretty crazy this week, and will continue to get crazier as students return. the past few weeks have been kinda crazy actually for david and me. just wanted to answer the question with what's been up and where i'll be over the next few weeks. i hope to post soon, but blogging isn't on the list of priorities right now (writing mine or reading others). :o( i actually have been reevaluating the purpose of blogging, and hope to share those thoughts soon. until then, stay cool (literally).